The Summer I was pregnant with the twins did not hold my best mom moments. Dealing with the first trimester of a twin pregnancy was tougher than I thought it would be.
I have been pregnant now 4 times. I figured I was up for the challenge of this one.
My ‘I feel like I could throw up at any moment yuck’ feeling hit hard around week 8, just as my oldest ended his preschool year. Summer vacation while completely ill with pregnancy was a challenge.
We did not go to the zoo like I wanted, we did not try out new playgrounds each week. A weekly playdate that I wanted to organize turned into once a month because I just could not make the plan.
The summer was full of regrets. (Was I a good mom or a bad mom?)
What did my children do most of the summer?
Watch tv and movies. (Sigh)
I could get up with them, make breakfast, start my household tasks or work on an activity with the kids up until lunch.
For the rest of every afternoon I was out of energy and full of feeling sick. I had to rest.
My children have quiet time after lunch when they watch a movie. Unfortunately this quiet time lasted from about 12pm to 4pm. (Good mom or bad mom?)
I have a list of choices that I made while parenting that some groups may feel were bad and others may feel good:
-I switched one of my children from breastmilk to formula when they were 5 ½ months old.
-I breastfed the other 3 of my children for an entire year, each.
-I have raised my voice to my children on those days.
-I always talk to my children about why they are being punished or why I am frustrated with them.
-I have spanked.
-I praise and encourage.
-I have never made my kids a bento box meal, or cut out sandwiches into cute shapes.
-Most of the fruits and veggies my children eat are raw or rarely seasoned.
-We do not eat completely organic food.
-I try my best to be sure my children are eating a balanced diet most days.
Does this mean I am a good mom or a bad mom?
Depending on what advice we listen to as mothers, we will either feel good or bad about our choices raising our children.
I like hearing diverse opinions, and I can learn from them. I just have to remember who I allow to affect my confidence.
Questioning why we do something is good, but giving up on ourselves because of the opinions of others is not.
Sometimes when I am parenting at my best, I do not feel good about it.
When I am holding a boundary and not letting my kids push me over that line, I do not feel good because it is not easy, but it is necessary.
I did not feel good about my children watching more TV than I like them to watch in a day. It felt necessary to get the rest I needed while pregnant. Balance-for that season-was achieved for the most part, just not every day.
I was forced to focus on the needs and not the extras-just getting meals on the table, (or ordering a meal to get on the table), cutting out organizing a playgroup, focusing on “nesting” with my children. Through all of this I taught my children a little bit more about balancing needs and wants.
Balance is what we really need to teach these days.
When we are forced to be flexible for a worthwhile reason, when we make choices to protect and care for our child and ourselves, when we attend to needs first, then we are focusing on the good, the right, the true.
Some may call me a bad mom for a few of my choices. Some may say I have not always been on top of my game or doing it all well. That is life. I am working to be what my children and husband need me to be.
Connecting with other mothers and sharing the stories of our good moments and our bad are great opportunities to learn, be humble, and re-balance. However, no one else defines how well you have performed in this season of motherhood.
This post is featured in A Complete Guide for Stay-at-Home Moms:When You Need Encouragement & Resources for Pregnancy and Feeding and Caring for Baby
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Love how you are inspiring others to accept that they are a "just right" mom! We can't offer perfection because we aren't perfect. But we can love, learn, make mistakes, apologize, and move forward! You are a delightful writer! Thanks for sharing at Magic Moments Monday!
I am so glad you stopped by and I truly appreciate your kind comments. We are all works in progress and can learn so much from ourselves and each other. I love your comment about moving forward! It's wonderful to have been able to share this with as many moms as possible.
isn't this the truth! we are our own worst critics, and then layer that with the assumptions and judgments from other moms. and what is 'good' for one mom is 'bad' for the other. we have to stop comparing. and when we judge, which we all do, we must stop and realize our judgments of others are speaking louder about ourselves. good post! thanks for piecing it all together!Would love for you to check out my blog.
Hi, Melanie! I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. It is a rough experience at times trying to be a mom and let other moms be the mom they need to be. I took a glance at your blog and it is extremely though-provoking! I really enjoy the questions you ask and the honesty of your answers. The dentist experience…been there! Still thinking about that post of yours. Thank you so much for sharing your blog with me. I wish you the best!
Love this post! As the mom of two chronically ill kids (juvenile arthritis) what I used to consider a "bad mom" move, can now be part of my "good mom" repetoire or vice versa. Sometimes it changes based on the day. You hit the nail on the head when you stated its all about balance. Why we judge other moms when we havent walked in their shoes is beyond me, but we have all done it at one time or another. Thanks for bringing attention to the good mom/bad mom phenomenon.
Thank you for sharing here! I appreciate your comments. None of us has it all figured out. Balance is so important and an on-going goal in my house! All the best to you and your family.
A wonderful article Jaimi! With so much input and 'expert' opinion streaming into our lives these days it is easy for moms to feel they do not measure up. The fact is, none of us can do it all, and that's ok. Do I really want to be supermom? No, not really. My flaws and imperfections are opportunity to teach life lessons to my children, an opportunity for understanding grace and reliance on someone other than ourselves. How I handle my shortcomings and mistakes will equip my children better than being perfect. Keep up the good work, Mom, you are doing a terrific job!
Thank you for offering the book to us – looking forward to reading it!
Absolutely, Linda! Well said. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. We really can learn so much from each other. Take care!
Loved this post. I can't tell you how many times I have felt inadequate just because someone else thought I should be doing something differently. The competition in motherhood is crazy sometimes.
Competition in motherhood is strange, isn't it? I think much of it is fueled by us inside ourselves. Thanks for your kind words about this post. I hope it can connect with moms in those moments of feeling inadequate. We just have to focus on what our families need and not worry about the opinions of others that conflict with that. I wish you the best!
I love the way you write! I feel like we are sitting at the coffee table having coffee or tea! I think you're a great mom and I think your kiddos know it too! Thank you again for being such an inspiration! -Jamie
Jamie, I am so thankful for you and your kind comments! We moms have to stick together so we know we aren't the only ones going through the tough days. Thank you for sharing!
I needed this, just this morning I was crying, convinced im a bad mom. I just had a baby 8 weeks ago and feel so guilty im not doing more with my 4 year old. Thanks 🙂
Whittney, ease up on yourself! I have been there when I had baby #2. Made me feel completely off my game and disorganized. You will get the hang of it. I am so glad that this post connected with you when you needed it. I wish you well!