Are our children going to turn out fine no matter what?
Is it all out of our control?
I have read comments stating that being a stay-at-home mom does not matter. The choices we make as moms has no affect on our children. I think-as a mom of four who has been doing this parenting thing for 10 years now-every choice we make when it comes to how we spend time with our kids, and how much time we spend with them. matters. I have some info to back that statement up.
If anyone forms an opinion from their personal experiences suggesting that how we raise our children DOES matter, they are called judgmental. Too opinionated. Offensive. I guess what we should do is ignore our experiences and just float around making decisions based on how we feel in the moment. It’s safer. No one will hate you or call you judgmental if you eliminate opinions and live moment to moment.
Aren’t we supposed to base our decisions on our experiences mixed with our values?
I read Doing Time: What It Really Means To Grow Up in Daycare written by May Saubier. Her experiences in the book are so similar to mine when I was a caregiver.
Ms. Saubier worked in a “good” center, and yet, it was still a business where money dictated care.
Money comes up a lot when we talk about child care. Child care centers say they need more to provide quality care. Parents who use daycare centers are constantly saying care “quality care” is too expensive.
For some reason as soon as you mention daycare, suddenly the type and “quality of care” that children receive matters so much that we should spend more money on it. If what a caregiver in a center does with our children matters, then what we do as parents matters too.
Ms. Saubier points out in her book that in a typical infant room, there are 4 babies per adult. Generally infant rooms are full (8 babies per 2 caregivers) because they are the money-makers in centers and there is so much demand for infant care. This was my experience when working as a caregiver in infant rooms as well.
If you had 4 babies on your own, as a stay at home mom, would you be by yourself? Would you have to sit in a room for 8 hours all alone juggling the care of 4 helpless infants?
Family, friends, church members, neighbors, would come out of the woodwork to help you. They would hold babies, feed babies, fold laundry, provide meals. They’d probably do this even if you only had twins…only, ha!
I had twins, and I had family show up to help in shifts. Friends brought meals. A couple friends even came over and hung out while I folded some laundry so I had adult company.
In a child care center, at one point, I was taking care of 4 babies on my own. Yes I received a 15 minute break every 4 hours. Yes, I received a lunch break that did not require me to care for the babies during that time. But for 4 hours straight, I was caring for 4 babies with my two hands.
I was feeding, changing diapers, and crib sheets. Checking the boxes on the required activity plans for each child. (Oh, and you can’t prop up a bottle so you better grow some more arms because all the babies will be hungry at once.)
It doesn’t matter, though, right? These babies were not be affected by it at all.
Sure.
I have seen many, many children in center-based daycare: Low-income kids in Minneapolis, teachers’ kids in Colorado, and Air Force kids in North Dakota.
Every one of them needed and wanted more time with their parents.
We may not have realized what we were diving into with this motherhood role, but it is our life and our children. We can’t throw our hands up and say it doesn’t matter.
Once the blessing of children is given to us, we have to learn what is best and implement that as much as we possibly can.
Our children DO matter.
How we spend time with them matters.
How much time we spend with them matters.
So, yes, being a stay-at-home mom does matter.
(And, no, working moms, we are not judging you.)
This post is featured in A Complete Guide for Stay-at-Home Moms: When You Need Encouragement
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Hi Jaimi,
I am also a stay at home mom to a 2 year old boy. I seriously can't agree more with your post. I was a new grad when I had my baby and only had one year work experience so the pressure for me to go back to work and get my accounting designation was and is still very great. I received an amazing job offer when my son was 15 months old as an entry level accountant, with full benefits and full payment of my designation but I would have had to drop my son off at daycare all day everyday. The daycare that I selected was brand new and top of the line child care as I was not willing to sacrifice the "quality" of care that my son would receive. The first day of transitioning my son, I had the privilege of watching him on the CCTV but what I saw broke my heart. He was endlessly playing with toys, there was no mommy playing with him, telling him how awesome he was playing and how wonderful he was behaving. I realized that no one sees my child as special and as awesome as I do, I am after all his mom 🙂 On that same day, I sent my job offer rejection and never looked back. Thinking about it, yes we could have more money in the bank, I won't have to go buy 2nd hand stuff for my son, not think twice about eating out. But at the end of the day my son is getting the full attention of his mom the love and care that I can give him gives him a great foundation in his adult life. So kudos to you for writing something that is very important but many thinks seems not to be so important.
Thank you so much, Sarah, for sharing both your thoughts and feelings about the importance of staying home and also for the nice comment about this post. It is challenging to write these opinions and avoid some thinking it is judgmental or rude, but I think all we as moms can do for other moms-and ESPECIALLY our children-is share our experiences and the 'whys' behind our choices. I think that is true enlightenment in motherhood: hearing what other moms have been through, seeing what they have chosen, and deciding if we can apply it to our lives or not. I appreciate what you have shared. I know it is a mission of mine to not sugar coat or lie about my experiences working in child care. Thank you for what you do each day for your child. You are making a difference in his life! I wish you all the best!
Hi, after working and subbing @several daycares and working as both a live-in/out nanny, I believe a lot of women want to have babies but do not want to be mothers. They have been brainwashed and their marriages and children are suffering. Lower incomed kidz go to juvy and jail, upper incomed kidz go to rehabs and therapy to deal with being second to their parents goal of the "American Dream". I feel guilty for loving and spending quality time with their kidz, because it makes it easy for parents to justify their (in) actions.
That is a good point, Donna. Child birth is often viewed as an event for personal gratification and having a child is often viewed as a status symbol or "something to try." I appreciate you sharing and I have the same feelings from when I cared for children in child care centers. I felt sad for them. All we can do is care for them the best we can and hope that our experiences can help women realize the work that is motherhood! Thanks for sharing.
I think there are plenty of ways to build yourself up as a SAHM instead of belittling or scare-mongering around the choices other moms must/may want to make. Like much of this blog but will not return/recommend/repin given the judgmental attitude re: daycare.
Hi Kate, I understand your opinion. We each have different experiences in life and I think it's important for us all to share with each other as you did in your comments here and as I did in the post above. My experiences working in child care, teaching and learning a lot about child psychology while studying Early Childhood Education in college, have shaped my experiences and opinions about how I choose to raise my children given the situations in my life. I am blessed to stay home, and we waited to have children until I could stay home due to my experiences seeing how children acted/interacted in the daycare centers where I worked. I support ALL moms in raising positive, joyful and productive children. This post does not belittle or say that any mom is a bad mom for her choice. It is my experiences and knowledge of how children develop, and how that shaped my choices. Some moms will relate, others will feel they are being judged, but I am not telling anyone that they are making the right or wrong choice. That is for God to decide. I am merely sharing my life experiences and my choices encouraging all moms to read, take what is helpful, and ignore what is not. I am sorry that you feel ignoring the site based on one post is what is right for you, but I encourage you to realize my heart and my intentions in this. It is to inform if information is desired. If you or other moms do not desire to hear this, I understand. I think we can all support each other without saying others are "judemental" or "belittling" just because we have different opinions. I don't take offense in your comment and hope you will continue to check back and share you thoughts as they are interesting to me and valuable for others to hear/read as well. Take care and I wish you the best with your family!
Bravo! Love your gracious response. Children need us to share these experiences.
I appreciate that. All we can do is share what we learn in our life.
Hi Jaimi,
I really admire your personal and engaging voice. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing such great advice and stories on your blog for busy mothers and parents of young children! This was a great article for parents thinking about their work-life balance. 🙂
I’ve taken a look through your website and we think you’ve done a fantastic job in covering topics that our brand's audience of expecting mothers would be interested in reading. It would be great if you could join our community to feature your blog entries.
If you would like to learn more about this, please send an email to info at atomicreach.com with “mothers” in the subject line.
Sincerely,
Tina
Thanks, Tina. I sent an email. Very interested to hear more about atomicreach. Thanks for reaching out!
The idea that daycare can substitute for loving parents is completely flawed. Thank you for being brave enough to take a stand on this issue!!! I will check out Doing Time. I too worked in daycare and vowed to avoid them for my own children at all costs.
I absolutely agree with you. There are awesome caregivers out there, but parents are the most important caregiver for a child-no matter the age. Thank you for your kind comment. May Saubier is truly brave for writing an entire book about this topic. I made the same vow to my own children that they will never be cared for by strangers. Kudos to you for making that promise and for having the courage to sacrifice in order to achieve it! Our children are worth it.
I loved this!! I to worked at a good center, I was a teacher who went above and beyond and out of my way. But at the end of the day your right! It's a money game, and no matter how hard I worked, when my shift was over or the center dropped in numbers kids and teachers were shuffled. Ratios are high and honestly no matter how great a teacher you are sometimes it's overwhelming and the help is not there. I loved the part that pointed out if you had 4 babies you wouldn't do it alone, I run a small Mothers Day Out from home (3days a wk/3hrs a day) and I have 8 children including my own. No way would I try for 12 (or as high as 20 in some states!)
I love how time and time again you reassure me that what I am doing at home makes a difference in my children and not just now but for the long-term!
I appreciate your kind comments-always. It is not an easy issue to discuss nowadays, but I truly applaud May for writing the book. Those of us who have been on "the inside" of a center have valid thoughts to share. Your boys are blessed to have you! How blessed we are to have had the experiences of working in daycare to really know what it is like. I cherish those experiences that have helped guide my parenting. Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences here as well!